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Military docs

Military docs never have to be held responsible for their mistakes— you just pcs or get discharged and become someone else’s problem.
Hey, I think I broke my foot!
Oh, your ankle seems to be sprained.

Hey, I keep throwing up bile.
You’re bulimic.

I shit 4 times a day.
Definitely constipated.

Differences

I think that’s the difference between an adult and a teenager.
As an adult, there are many times you want to die, but you’re just too lazy to make it happen.

Goodbyes

Sept 12th, I married him.
A week later, we kissed for the last time in months (nearly 6!) and I boarded my flight to return to the land of bibimbap 비빔밥.

I found out later that, while I was crying beside a retired Air Force man of about 75 years of age and gasping in heartbreak, my love experienced his first panic attack.

Now, I know panic attacks. I thought panic attack “victims” were attention-seekers when I was younger. Thought panic attacks were reserved for only a certain type of person (who probably crawled out of a Lifetime movie.) But, a few years after I was raped and had joined the military as a farewell to myself, I experienced my first bout. Absolutely the scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life— so much so that I called my father, who works at an emergency clinic, and told him that I was suffering from the symptoms of some complication with my heart and probably had a weakened aorta or something of the sort and was going to pass soon. He assured me that it was, in fact, a panic-attack.
I dealt with them for about two years before I reached a new chapter in life. Even after I had met my love, I was still trying to drown them away in glitter-filled nights in tiny dresses.
Eventually, like everything else, they drifted away.

So, my love said he had experienced his first panic attack once I left. I was a bit suspicious— he is entirely too stoic for something like that. But, as he described it to me, I knew that it was true. He hadn’t been able to breathe for a few minutes and messaged his sister to help him. He had no idea what was happening to his body at the time.

Sweet, sweet man. I knew he loved me but I never thought he couldn’t live without me.

I’ll be with him forever.

What Is IBS?

IBS is a bullshit diagnosis a bullshit doctor gives you once they are dumbfounded by your symptoms.
IBS is the reason I must get into the medical field.

IBS and GERD put me at a 8 of 10 painwise whenever I would have a flare up (often before i learned alternatives to Nexium) and caused me to spit up large amounts of acid at least 10 times per meal.
GERD probably irritated my tonsils and led to their removal (they were touching each other!)

How to temporarily fix the symptoms of a broken digestive system without taking 80mgs of Nexium a day:
1. Chamomile or nasty peppermint tea with agave (2 cups) immediately upon waking.
2. Swig of apple cider vinegar before I leave the dorms.
3. 2 cups of chamomile tea at minimum at work.
4. Eating light and no greasy foods. If you are offered a sweet snack, split it with someone.
5. No belt buckle by navel.
6. Aloe vera gel (available at gnc or commissary.)
7. 3 cups of chamomile tea until bed.

I would write “work out” on there, but i’ve been in pain only when I run or wake up lately.

Ohhh… And the stomach swelling! My god. It looks like I swallowed a basketball when my stomach (which is nearly flat and 24ish inches around) swells.

Don’t worry… I’m not skinny. I hold my weight on my ass (maybe 40inches.)

I’m so frustrated with this stomach. It reacts to all food.
I’ve had a small intestines biopsy done and two endoscopies. No one has requested a colonoscopy or checked my gallbladder or pancreas…

Options

Medical school, dental school, physician’s assistant or the adn, bsn track for nursing? Oh my gawd

The Future

Spectacular.

Do you know my story? Girl who never had to study before starts partying (while maintaining her GPA of course) the day of prom. Hangs around the wrong crowd. Gets raped. Loses her shit for about two years (included in that bundle of shit was a scholarship. 헐.) Joins the military on a whim, giving up. Pretends to be someone else in the military and learns about herself, truth, and ptsd… Mixed up with a relationship with a naive guy who chooses to support his racist parents rather than marry her. Is sad, but, now knowing true sadness after the rape, determines that life will be okay without that fucker. Finds the love of her life, marries him, and serves the test of her contract 5k miles away.

Okay. What have I gotten from the military?
Some type of discipline. Had none before and was entirely too spoiled before joining.
“Previous employment.” Military = first job.
A husband.
Bought first house with my savings. Currently being rented out.
Earned free school.
Fluency in a second language.
Cleps (worthless in medical programs.)
Financial knowledge.
Amazing credit score.
Semi-help for ptsd. No more panic attacks (1 year since.)
A chance to restart.

So, as much as I talk shit about the military, I have gained a lot of things from it. Good. Reassuring.

But, the rape took me. Potentially perfect, would-be-medical-student me. I have wanted to become a doctor since I was 4 and I now am terrified of any obstacle whatsoever blocking me from my goals. On one hand, I refuse to be a burden and a dependent. On the other, I no longer have the ability to retain as much as I could before.

So, I’ve been thinking of Nursing in order to become a PA. My worry is doing everything in one go— obstacles can be worked around with time. However, medical school = no time and stress in my relationship. Nursing school would be stressful, but much less given me previous abilities (if you don’t judge me by my writing.) And, I could accomplish it while beside my husband— 3 years for my ADN where he’s stationed, then a bridge program to my bsn at his next base. Work a few years, then PA school.
But everyone I’ve spoken to says that is a very difficult route for “just” PA school. And, as a nurse with my masters, I could be so flexible!
But, my end goal has never been nursing.

Bah… Alone in Korea and thinking too much.

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the start of my hawaii trip. Month old photo.

Husband

My husband is beautiful. The most handsome, gorgeous man I’ve ever seen. He is so warm and kind and provides me with so many different views other than my own. He is constantly encouraging me and teaching me so much about life and myself. He’s brilliant.

But, he is always morphing into something slightly better. He says he has always been the same, but I doubt it. Maybe the core of him. But, he is ocd about his image. Not necessarily how he dresses most of the time, but how he appears to the world. What person is he?

He is my lovely Husband. When we wrestle, his eyes sparkle. He is my big brother, my best friend, and my lover.

Sad that we have to spend our whole first year of marriage 5k miles away from one another…

And how’s Korea again? I will never ever again forget to take dramamine before getting on a Korean bus. The fumes or something get to me and I immediately get sick. Hot cold, hot cold. Fucking miserable.

This place is lovely for shopping. And i’m happy there are no guns. But… I just miss Hubsterr.

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Baby selfies, my first Fijian friend, a trip to Hawaii, and hubby struggling with my hair.

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Things

When things aren’t going well, I try not to record them. I just would prefer to forget.
Therefor, i rarely blog.

Got married yesterday

What to do?

What are you doing? He asked.
Trying to make myself exist less. Answered she.

Should i lose as much weight as possible again? Another 30 pounds? I just want to disappear…

Goofball

Guys have this amazing ability to live their lives in incognito mode until they meet someone they can be themselves with. Then, they transform from tight-lipped observers to loving goofballs.

I will always love him.

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And i present to you the most intimate details of my life.

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