Long Road and Ruined Shoes

by justkirsty

us

I’ve met a man.
Funny, I can’t say “boy” any longer. I’m an adult (albeit a childish one.) He is an adult. I’ve met a man.

I had my eye on this man. Being stuck on my ex, as soon as I saw him and recognized that I was attracted to him, I was rude. I met him in the office before I started working there (when I was still in class)— didn’t even ask his name. (Should I have when we wear nametapes?)

He was the one in charge of being accountable for us since me and my classmates had to attend class at an awkward time (in between formations.) I hurried and checked in with him every afternoon, not saying more than my last name.
And, then, one day, I was looking at the accountability rosters and noticed that my name had not been checked off for formations I wasn’t able to attend. So, I opened my large ass mouth and went to everyone I knew saying, “This guy in the office must be a jackass,” because I was afraid of getting in trouble with those in charge of us.
Little did I know, my attraction would not waver.

Fast forward a little… a few weeks of straight talking shit about this man. Even when my friends would say, “You like him, don’t you?” or “But, he’s so cute!” I would say no and tell them to fuck off.

And, then, I caught myself obsessing over him. So strange how that happens. I was imagining us together, feeling my face go hot and my toes numb. My roommate, Sara, was constantly on my ass, telling me she would set things up. But, how would it work after I had talked so much shit around the squadron?

At this time, I was working in the office (waiting on my orders) and he had started class. With the government shutdown, I didn’t exactly know when my orders would drop, so I had to hurry this plan along.
I call it a plan, but that shit was so disorganized… and I was sooo nervous…
I was doing accountability at a formation one day and he was sitting behind me, talking to someone unimportant. I turned around and spoke only little, awkwardly, then went about my way. I think I said something along the lines of, “Oh, I heard you went to highschool with ___” He said, “Yes.”
Pretty much it.

How did I get his number? Trying to remember.

Oh, my creep-ass added him on facebook from ___’s friends list. More awkward statements after his night shift class (I’m fine talking to people on the computer, but in reality…) Then, he gave me his phone number.
Didn’t take that as a sign. I don’t think I’m human sometimes. Completely oblivious.

I texted him and asked him if he would like to go wine tasting with me and a friend on a Saturday. He had no idea that I had yet to inform my friend that I was arranging this. So, she ended up canceling on me and I didn’t want him to figure out that I was trying to trap him, so my best friend stepped in. But, with her, 4 other people did, too.

So, the quiet evening I had planned turned into 7 hoodlums laughing a little too loud after sharing one bottle of something I couldn’t try to read inebriated. We played Never Have I Ever and I admitted it was a first for me. I spoke to everyone except for him, and when leaving, walked by everyone but him.

Then, we went to a jazz restaurant (his suggestion) and I decided I loved the blues.

Then, we went to a rodeo-club (is that what it’s called?) and took turns buying rounds of shots. Because we had warmed up with the wine, after about 8 shots of hard liquor, I was still standing. Eventually, he backed away from me towards the dance floor and reached out for my hand. It was the first time our hands touched. We danced in dizzy circles and laughed hard.

We still wanted to dance when others were ready to go cause of their curfews. But, I asked him if he wanted to stay a little longer with me and informed my roommate that I’d be coming back later.

They left and he pulled me to the side and kissed me.

The bar was closing, so we took a long walk. Walked to the middle-of-nowhere, embracing one-another, and starting from the beginning.

Then, we spent the night at a hotel. I woke up, still tucked away on my side, unmolested. Took a shower and, while I was doing so, he folded my clothes and laid them out for me.

When he dropped me off (we had to go find his car, first,) he said, “See you later,” and kissed me.
I danced to my room.

I owe my ex all of the happiness in the world. But, I owe it to myself, too. Down your path, I can only gain temporary satisfaction— sex, entertainment, attention, and temporary love. But, eventually your love will run out and you’ll choose your parents over me. I will never win. My role with you isn’t secure and will only lead towards misery. I love you and will always love you, but we’ve closed that door for a reason.

I deserve my fairytale.
You deserve one, too.

Let me be happy.

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