kirstenmadden

A fine WordPress.com site

Month: November, 2013

Tha Lipe

seongtan
As in “the life.”

Hmm, Korea has been interesting.

But more on that later.
Handsome wants to get married some time soon. Not really a big deal because I told him I was worried about marrying too early and he was like, “Oh, sweetie, we have lots to discuss, still.”
Okay. Good answer, bub. 🙂 Never thought I would have an issue with someone wanting to marry me. Especially someone who is amazing as he is.
I just want to make sure I’m healed and work on myself. I seem like a serial dater, getting out of a serious relationship and jumping into one.

I’ve been hanging out with this Stank guy a lot. He’s really chill. I met him after I finished my pt test on my broken foot in July. He was pt-ing at the same time as I was and it was my first time speaking with him. I was super sweaty and uncomfortable and he asked me for my number. The craziest thing I ever did was sneak into his room (you know, you can’t go into the opposite sex’s room anymore in tech school) to listen to him play the guitar.
Now, I’ve been hanging out with him every day because I went to Korea without a sponsor. So, he’s been getting me situated. He’s very friendly and hasn’t hit on me, so things are good. Still it feels like I shouldn’t hang out with ONE guy for that long. Two weeks on break and it looks like I’ll do actual work next week!!! Organizing a library. lol IN KOREAN.

Anyways, what has happened so far? Kind of been running around/sitting in my room waiting for someone to notice that I’m here.

two
My friend from long ago took me out. I ordered some beef shit (on the right side of what is pictured) and it made my stomach hurt like no other. I do NOT like grilling my own food, especially when it’s mostly fat. Veggies, please.

friend
my old friend (from China) Jia Wei (different friend.) Met her when I went to Korea for the first time months ago and we just reconnected this weekend. Love her tons!! We were suuper wasted and cursing random people out in Korean.

Speaking to her made me feel more comfortable about my current relationship. Boyfriend wants for me to meet his mom. But, I’m afraid of doing so because of my skin color and what happened before. However, Jia Wei said that, when she was younger, she was attracted to Black men. She told her parents and they said, “Oh, whatever makes you happy. Whoever he is better treat you well.” Turns out Korea is one of the most ass-backwards countries out there. But, China and other places are modernizing rapidly.
frien

Last weekend, I met up with my dear friend Soju (Korean alcohol.) Ended up falling into a bunch of crates and fucking up my shoulder. Then, I woke up in a hostel and ran into a glass door.
hostel
hostel.
bump
Fucking glass doors in Korea. Huge ass bump on my forehead.

food
so used to going out and eating by myself these past two weeks.

Really don’t feel like meeting people. Thanksgiving weekend and I kind of just want to mope by myself. lol

Sewed on the WRONG rank on ALL of my uniforms, so had to explain it to the Sgts I met today.

My boyfriend.
backs

My boyfriend sends me the best photos. Check out his motherfucking BACK.. HOLY sheet.

no more confusing posts. Maybe I’ll be more organized next time. WHAtevs.

Advertisements
20131123-033207.jpg

Dear Korea,

Dear Korea,
I’ll meet you again next week.
Image
(receiving money from my Korean parents while studying abroad.)

Dear Korea,
it’s 오가영! Long time since we’ve talked, eh?
I’ll see you again next week, but, this time, I won’t really be visiting.
No, I’m going to pack up all of my things and muster up enough balls to stay there for 2 years.
Already signed my contract, Dear. No whining.

Dear, Korea,
This time, we’re not really friends.
Sorry, but after I gave you my heart and
received disappointment, how can we be?
I told your people I was marrying this man I loved
with every breath I took
and your people laughed at me. I didn’t know it was a funny joke
or I wouldn’t have said it so confidently.
And, I didn’t know it was a funny joke still
when I visited his parents and they thought,
“Oh, too dark. Our grandchildren will be burdened.”
And, once again, I didn’t chuckle
once the man I had been with for 2 and a half years of my life
told me he didn’t love me anymore
and that he chose to be successful over me.
Because Black doesn’t equal
success.

No, instead, my little heart,
a lump of coal, anyway
ruined by a man with fingers and hands
that he couldn’t keep still
when he was itching himself into my
young panties,
holding me down and shutting me off
from the world,
my little black heart,
finally lit by this man who took me dancing
in parking lots at night
and soaring over cities
didn’t think it could take your joke.

So, now, I know your tongue,
Korea.
I speak your language well.
I became a master of your sounds
for the man I once loved
with my little coal heart
and my dirty, coal skin.

And, now, I’m coming back soon
to have my revenge.

This is your warning.

Funny enough, Monday, I was reminded of just how Korean culture boils my blood. I was sitting in a restaurant with my ex and I had told him that I would buy him lunch.
He’s a college student, now, and that’s the only way I can get him to actually see me.
We sat down and he started ordering, since I was full.  불고기와 돌솥비빔밥.
I protested. Free meal?! I give you a free meal and you order an expensive ass meat dish and the more expensive of the bi bim baps? No way.
Told the waitress, “돌솥비빔밥 말고 그냥 비빔밥 주세요.” (instead of the stone-bowl bibimbap, please bring me the normal bi bim bap.)
She looked at me, furious. “You make up you mind! Listen to man!” and walked off with his original order.

No. I will NOT fucking listen to “the man.”
If I could make her head explode by directing angry glares at her, shit would’ve caused a disturbance in the universe.

Boyfrand

three
Is this what a boyfriend looks like?

Starting to worry that I’m a serial dater— you know, one of those girls that can’t live by herself for 6 damn months? I mean, it’s not like I was like, “Ah!! I have to find someone!” I was pretty sad once we (W and I) ended things in July, but I wasn’t in a rush for anything serious. I kind of just wanted a companion sex. Almost happened with a lovely fellow by the name of Shockey, but he started avoiding me once I told him that I was still hung up over my ex and would be for an extremely long time.

Spoke with W this weekend and he told me that I musn’t have loved him as much as I thought I did before since I dated immediately after we broke up.
Nigga, I wanted some booty. Some fresh, tech school booty. Everyone else got to do it and (although I was in for over 2 years,) I had been caged up in that unhealthy (because it was NOT going to go anywhere with his parents) relationship of ours, not having a nightlife. And YOU didn’t love me as much as you thought— you chose your effin’ parents over me. They said Black wasn’t good enough and you basically agreed by putting me on the backburner. Think I’ll wait another 4 years for you to make up your mind? Not my style, Honey. Things got miserable at the end and we just weren’t willing to admit it. Can’t tell you how many times I found myself tightly clinging onto the passenger handle from the inside of the car when we were sprinting down the interstate. I just wanted to throw myself out. Living was tiring. I was tired waking up.

Wish me motherfucking happiness and get over yourself.

Ok. Ok. On to this past week.
I think last Thursday, I got to see my old best frand (SH) after two years. He told me about his glorious life and how he’s getting married to this girl who used to mutter racist comments my way. Good for him.

crazy eyes
Friday, I packed my things and left for Austin. My hair was CRAZE like Crazy Eyes off of Orange Is The New Black.

But, he embraced me as soon as I opened my car door and gave me the sweetest kisses, whispering, “I’ve missed you so much”es inbetween breaths.
We were a little disappointed by our hotel, but I tried not to mention it— I didn’t pay this time and it was a 3-nighter due to the holiday weekend. We rolled and played on a kingsize and fantasized about our future together.

He is a good guy. Everything he does is for my benefit. I think that’s enough to make a woman fall in love.
Plus he’s amazing in bed. I call him Kevin The Sex G-d every time I text a girlfriend.
And he trusts me. Because he says, “You can’t form a relationship without trust.” Thank you. Because it’s usually the cheaters who are paranoid.

This weekend, Saturday night at 2:34am in Austin, Texas, he nudged me awake, kissed my ear, and said, “I love you.” I’m the first girl he’s ever said it to. I’m honored.
Even if he didn’t love me, I’d be honored just to lay in the same bed as this man. He is incredibly kind and sincere and courteous and strong and fit and…

I’m a little overwhelmed. I was afraid to say it back. I was afraid to say it back because I was worried that I might still love my ex. And it’s not right to confess that you love someone when part of your heart belongs to someone else.

While he was sighing gently beside me, deep asleep, I whispered, “I love you, too, Kevin,” and smiled.
He opened his eyes, kissed me, and another day began.
Kind of sad that I don’t love W anymore. I felt it once I told Kev that I loved him. 2.5 years together and I can feel our times together leaking out of my head from my ears and eyes. I used to cry to him that my memory had been compromised since the accident and I was afraid that I would forget our time together, so he made it a point to make everything as memorable as possible.
W is a sweet man. I love him, not romantically but, like you would love a favorite set of pearls. You can hate seeing them go all you want, but once you pass them on, your bond has changed. If you get those pearls back from a 15 year old granddaughter somehow, it will be too late— HER memories will rub onto them and they’ll be unfamiliar to you. I’ve already let go of my W.

This damn man.

Dinner

I might look bad, but don’t let that ruin the message.

Farewell

Last text from my ex:

I loved you with all
my heart and still love u. I
nerver loved something like
this before.. even I was
mean sometimes while we
were dating, , jusr becuz i
want u to have/be the best
in ur life. u were in my head
n my heart every day every
minute n every second. we
knew we r soul mate the
day we met. That’s why it’s
hard for me to forget u.. n I
decided to not see anything
that reminds me of u. U
moved on n I need to do
that as well. U told me u
had hard time breaking up..
but ask somebody that
knows me well.. how hard it
was to me n how it still
affects me.

Kirsten, be happy n
live ur life.
I hope he loves n take care
of u way more than I am. I
really hope that because u
deserve it and I mean it.
Have a safe to korea n i
hope that u will be happy
everyday every second

 

I don’t believe in soulmates anymore. And, I don’t believe in true love.
If it exists, I did nothing more than love him with my useless heart.

What a waste.

But, now, I’ll just go on. Trick some poor guy out there into
thinking I’m something I’m not.

There’s this fairytale that I want at any cost.


Closing on this house soon. 22 years old and I’ll own a patio home. Legit.

Money for the wicked.

 

 

Long Road and Ruined Shoes

us

I’ve met a man.
Funny, I can’t say “boy” any longer. I’m an adult (albeit a childish one.) He is an adult. I’ve met a man.

I had my eye on this man. Being stuck on my ex, as soon as I saw him and recognized that I was attracted to him, I was rude. I met him in the office before I started working there (when I was still in class)— didn’t even ask his name. (Should I have when we wear nametapes?)

He was the one in charge of being accountable for us since me and my classmates had to attend class at an awkward time (in between formations.) I hurried and checked in with him every afternoon, not saying more than my last name.
And, then, one day, I was looking at the accountability rosters and noticed that my name had not been checked off for formations I wasn’t able to attend. So, I opened my large ass mouth and went to everyone I knew saying, “This guy in the office must be a jackass,” because I was afraid of getting in trouble with those in charge of us.
Little did I know, my attraction would not waver.

Fast forward a little… a few weeks of straight talking shit about this man. Even when my friends would say, “You like him, don’t you?” or “But, he’s so cute!” I would say no and tell them to fuck off.

And, then, I caught myself obsessing over him. So strange how that happens. I was imagining us together, feeling my face go hot and my toes numb. My roommate, Sara, was constantly on my ass, telling me she would set things up. But, how would it work after I had talked so much shit around the squadron?

At this time, I was working in the office (waiting on my orders) and he had started class. With the government shutdown, I didn’t exactly know when my orders would drop, so I had to hurry this plan along.
I call it a plan, but that shit was so disorganized… and I was sooo nervous…
I was doing accountability at a formation one day and he was sitting behind me, talking to someone unimportant. I turned around and spoke only little, awkwardly, then went about my way. I think I said something along the lines of, “Oh, I heard you went to highschool with ___” He said, “Yes.”
Pretty much it.

How did I get his number? Trying to remember.

Oh, my creep-ass added him on facebook from ___’s friends list. More awkward statements after his night shift class (I’m fine talking to people on the computer, but in reality…) Then, he gave me his phone number.
Didn’t take that as a sign. I don’t think I’m human sometimes. Completely oblivious.

I texted him and asked him if he would like to go wine tasting with me and a friend on a Saturday. He had no idea that I had yet to inform my friend that I was arranging this. So, she ended up canceling on me and I didn’t want him to figure out that I was trying to trap him, so my best friend stepped in. But, with her, 4 other people did, too.

So, the quiet evening I had planned turned into 7 hoodlums laughing a little too loud after sharing one bottle of something I couldn’t try to read inebriated. We played Never Have I Ever and I admitted it was a first for me. I spoke to everyone except for him, and when leaving, walked by everyone but him.

Then, we went to a jazz restaurant (his suggestion) and I decided I loved the blues.

Then, we went to a rodeo-club (is that what it’s called?) and took turns buying rounds of shots. Because we had warmed up with the wine, after about 8 shots of hard liquor, I was still standing. Eventually, he backed away from me towards the dance floor and reached out for my hand. It was the first time our hands touched. We danced in dizzy circles and laughed hard.

We still wanted to dance when others were ready to go cause of their curfews. But, I asked him if he wanted to stay a little longer with me and informed my roommate that I’d be coming back later.

They left and he pulled me to the side and kissed me.

The bar was closing, so we took a long walk. Walked to the middle-of-nowhere, embracing one-another, and starting from the beginning.

Then, we spent the night at a hotel. I woke up, still tucked away on my side, unmolested. Took a shower and, while I was doing so, he folded my clothes and laid them out for me.

When he dropped me off (we had to go find his car, first,) he said, “See you later,” and kissed me.
I danced to my room.

I owe my ex all of the happiness in the world. But, I owe it to myself, too. Down your path, I can only gain temporary satisfaction— sex, entertainment, attention, and temporary love. But, eventually your love will run out and you’ll choose your parents over me. I will never win. My role with you isn’t secure and will only lead towards misery. I love you and will always love you, but we’ve closed that door for a reason.

I deserve my fairytale.
You deserve one, too.

Let me be happy.