So, my engagement is over and I’m running on a freeway blindfolded.
What can I say about these weekends without him? Waking up in places I shouldn’t be (namely dorms I’m not allowed to be in with people I’m not allowed to know) and nearly doing things that I will regret.
I’ve never been a good self-loather. I stayed in my room for 2 years devastated and mourning the death of myself after being raped by some guy I prefer to forget. Then, I found myself in the military, doing things I had never thought I would ever have done (and, what I mean by this is marching. I have only shot at paper targets,) while engaged to a guy that inspired me to join.
And, now, I’m alone. How strange a thing, right? He broke up with me because of pressure for his parents (to not have half-Black children. Really.)
I can’t help but to feel powerless, loveless, heartless.
And where’s the motivation to get through any of this?— to get out of AETC after 2 and a half years and do something with my life?
There’s none. I’m not even disappointed that I’m stuck here. I can just work out until my heart explodes and diet until I can’t see myself anymore.
This nonchalantness… indifference….
it scares me.
This weekend was the last I’d see a bunch of people I know—
Clark, Tan-Tan, I’ll never see them again.
And all of my friends are leaving before me to Korea.
I’ll just be alone here. But, I’m used to that.