A fine site

Month: October, 2013

Homegirl And Skin

This homegirl,
I’ve lost 25 pounds and FINALLY broken my plateau. Even if by only a few tenths of a pound, I know that I can lose the last bit!!

I don’t want to go all anorexic again. I just want to be skinny.

From 154 (April) to 135 (Beginning of June)
And I’ve been floating around 135 for a few months…
now, 129.1928390872194120948902802394324 blahblahblah
due to adding sprints and squats to my work out.
You know… and pt in the heat.

I would like to be 125.
And then 120.
And then 115.

At 5’4″, these are good goals.

More squats. More stairmaster. More yogurt.
Hopefully, when I go on leave for a month, my routine doesn’t change too much. Hopefully, I can still go do some things.



Today, I tried seriously giving my 11-year old neopets password a guess.
And I can’t fucking remember it.

Seriously is driving me mad.

What else today?
Today was kind of good. I woke up and decided to skip formation (and received no hell for it because I’m the one in charge of rosters!!) Then, I went to the office early and cleaned the desk a bit.
I almost missed lunch because everyone in the office was somewhere else and I wasn’t allowed to abandon post. I also asked one of the Gents about buying a house.

My credit score is .740 or something. I have to make a down payment of 22k on a fucking 90k house.
I don’t get it. What is wrong with this bank?
I need to call other banks he says. Even if it IS a 15 year mortgage and I’ll only have to pay $600 a month, I’m getting shitted on.

That’s what I thought. Fucking interest rate in housing is 3.875% right now through this bank, though. And, because I’m saving for this and about to leave to Korea, I can’t even afford a new battery for my shitty Samsung-battery-eating shit metal thing.

Today, I helped out the Gents (Olibia, especially) by using the master key to check on empty rooms for an emergency move. Turns out the jarheads are going to take a whole building this weekend.

Whatevs. My work was appreciated. Others are pissed they had to move on a long weekend (they had plans, you see.)

Did pt (no run, thankfully,) and the flies and weird bugs that land on you while you’re doing planks on a fucking runway are disgusting and distracting.

Maybe people will get to know my name since I’m always in the office. Maybe I can start new things. Got a cute letter today from a friendy.

    I don’t know what your plans are for tomorrow, but now you have new ones. I’m taking you out to dinner/lunch (probably lunch.)
   Pick a place.
    PS: I know you eat donuts on the weekends so don’t welsh out on me.”

Haha, homegirl, you do not know about my battle with anorexia!!
Can’t wait to get out of here.

Orders are on their way. Temporary job is busy and fun.
Time passes by quickly. It’ll be okay.


And I can’t imagine being famous to begin with— getting lost in the influence of others and the influence of this self that you want to become. Your love life exposed, fake romances, disses.

Everything for everyone to see.

It’s hard enough for me to go around and pretend that everything is fine when I have announced enough to the world about my breakup with my fiancé that people I don’t know comment on my losses.

What shall this celebrity me do?

I was raised thinking that I am a 10 and always will be. So, when I weigh myself against others, I always win. However, that leaves me thinking I’ll have to settle for being alone.

I cannot have someone without potential. I cannot have someone without a rich past.

Who exactly can you have, Ms. Rich-Girl?



First day of sitting around and doing nothing. Kind of okay.

Woke up earlier than usual (having switched from A-shift to B-shift) and had a little breakfast. Needed the free cranberry juice cocktails (cause I feel a UTI coming on due to this weekend’s clogged toilet fiasco.)

Marched back with a fun group and attended a meeting that I didn’t really need to attend.

Met with one of my friends who had been on casuals for a week after her graduation. Turns out she is having a problem with the nurse who screwed me over, too!!!

Ah, can you believe it?

But, I got a good detail— sit in an office and watch everyone.

Kiss enough ass and you can, too.


The Feels

When someone leaves you after 2.5 years, you’re left feeling undesirable. I think that’s just the way it is.

I’m going to Korea (a place filled with people that will look and think just like him and his family) for 2 years, soon.

I’m going to hate myself even more if I don’t watch out. I am getting older, so I’m starting to love myself (or, at least, physically) a lot more than when I was in my teens. But, now, I feel like there’s this stigma attached to my skin that I can’t wash off. What does the brown girl do?

I must do everything in my power to not let myself become consumed by hate or prejudice
although, from experience, I know what to expect out of Korea.

And All You Need Is…

san angelo

This weekend is still running through my mind.

Dangerous stuff, my dear, waking up somewhere unfamiliar.

But, calm, composed, and unhurt, you showed that Hyun Soo guy!!!

I’ll be one of those party girls always on the search for love, won’t I? Damaged goods, yet again.

Fck it all.

To Bump.

So, my engagement is over and I’m running on a freeway blindfolded.

What can I say about these weekends without him? Waking up in places I shouldn’t be (namely dorms I’m not allowed to be in with people I’m not allowed to know) and nearly doing things that I will regret.

I’ve never been a good self-loather. I stayed in my room for 2 years devastated and mourning the death of myself after being raped by some guy I prefer to forget. Then, I found myself in the military, doing things I had never thought I would ever have done (and, what I mean by this is marching. I have only shot at paper targets,) while engaged to a guy that inspired me to join.

And, now, I’m alone. How strange a thing, right? He broke up with me because of pressure for his parents (to not have half-Black children. Really.)

I can’t help but to feel powerless, loveless, heartless.

And where’s the motivation to get through any of this?— to get out of AETC after 2 and a half years and do something with my life?

There’s none. I’m not even disappointed that I’m stuck here. I can just work out until my heart explodes and diet until I can’t see myself anymore.

This nonchalantness… indifference….
it scares me.

This weekend was the last I’d see a bunch of people I know—
Clark, Tan-Tan, I’ll never see them again.
And all of my friends are leaving before me to Korea.

I’ll just be alone here. But, I’m used to that.